This post is really personal so please read with kindness. To begin with I really didn’t know how to start this post. Whenever I think of writing about not having a dad the words and thoughts in my head gets all jumbled up. Like they don’t have a beginning or an end. With today being father’s day and hundreds of pictures of dads filling social media the memories of my dad is just keep flooding in.
My dad passed away when I was 12 years old. He had a brain tumor, they tried to remove it twice but it came back. He fought the tumor really hard, radiation and chemo. I saw him loosing his hair from the chemo and it only grew back partially.
The year I turned 12 the tumor was back. This time with a force and grew from the left to the right hemisphere of his brain. It slowly erased who my dad was, they couldn’t do anything for him anymore. The last Christmas we had with him he barely spoke and he was always the chatty one with the loud laugh.
I decided to write my Dad a letter for Father’s Day.
Letter to my Dad
It’s been 21 years since I’ve last seen you, got to hug you and talk to you. I miss you very much. We all miss you so very much. I wish you were here to make me feel safe. Life sometimes just get so hard and I feel like everything is unraveling.
I wish you were around for my matric dance. My first time off to the “big city” to tell me it will be alright. I wish you were here when my heart got broken for the first time and that you were here to protect me from bullies. I wish you were here when I got married. So many things I wish for.
I remember how we used to watch X-Files on Fridays and I could hide behind you through the scary parts. I wonder what your favourite TV shows will be. Would you like Dexter, Game of Thrones or NCIS?
You used to love playing “TV Games” with us. I wonder if you would prefer an Xbox or a playstation (or maybe even facebook games) I know you would love digital cameras and smart phones because you always loved taking pictures with good old-fashioned film.
I still cook spaghetti bolognese the way you showed me, and I still don’t like eating sweet corn after that disastrous mac and cheese. You insisted it was the best you had but I didn’t buy it. Sweet corn nightmares!
I got your legs so by the way. I have huge calf muscles and no boot will ever fit over my leg. But that’s okay because I like walking without shoes most of the time! I’m also a shorty just like you were.
You will be really proud of Mom, she raised all three of us and I think we turned out alright. She’s much tougher than we all thought.
Love you with all my heart
Your Poepies Nongena